My sexual expression was very confusing and contracted in my younger years; sexually exploited as a young teen, I was manipulated and controlled into human trafficking. Although it only took place in my teen years, I carried the shadow of self-judgment around it for 27 years before I began to heal. It was a secret that I shared with only two people over that 27 year span.
It was confusing because I loved sex. I was always highly orgasmic, but it was layered with self-judgment and guilt. Even well into my adulthood, I was afraid if I looked like I enjoyed sex too much, the one I shared myself with would think I was a whore.
It was a billboard that captivated my attention one day in a Toronto subway that broke my illusion of self blame, a literal sign from the Universe. It said, “Teenage prostitution is child abuse”.
I went into emotional shock. Until that moment, I just thought I was a ‘bad’ girl and had never acknowledged myself as a victim.
When I arrived home, 27 years of suppressed emotions erupted out of me.
I cried out, “God please help me!”, and immediately I received a powerful message from spirit to the point where I felt a presence with me, calming me, communicating the importance of purging my emotions before they impacted my physical health. So that is what I did. I stayed home for two days and purged, releasing 27 years of suppressed anger, rage and grief.
After those two days there was a powerful shift and it felt like a veil lifted. I started falling in love with me. I even phoned all my friends and told them about my dark past for the first time.
I could feel the self-judgment dissipating as layers of inner darkness fell away and replaced with a feeling of lightness and peacefulness. This was in 1999.
I still had more healing to do, which unfolded a few years later when I discovered the power and brilliance of breath work. Had I known about this breath work, which I now facilitate back on that day in 1999, what took me two days to purge, I could have done in two hours, but that was my journey, and it was perfect.
During that time of deep emotional healing, I also had a beautiful lover and friend who was an incredible support system in the way he held me as powerful and beautiful no matter what.
It’s so common for victims of abuse to blame themselves and fall into self-judgment, then for many years, they shift from being a victim to playing the victim. With sexual abuse it’s especially confusing because often the body still experiences pleasure but the mind and emotions are in torment.
This pattern will continue until you get to the root and clear the energy of the emotional wounds on a cellular level. When this happens, the shadows of the past are replaced with lightness, aliveness, peacefulness and wisdom.
As I moved forward on my healing journey, I also had a huge curiosity of how to integrate my love and connection to Spirit with my sexual expression. I noticed I kept my spiritual body in a separate box than my sexual body. I intuitively knew there was something misaligned with this. So I explored how to integrate them. I prayed and had conversations with my Divine Team. I asked questions. I learned energy work and breath work and discovered the magical Divine Design and integral connection between our nervous system, our energetic body, our spiritual body and our sexual body.
For years now I have enjoyed a sex life free of all guilt, fear or judgment. I learned to understand the beautiful creation of our Divine Design as Divine eternal beings in a physical primal body and how to fully enjoy and play in this realm of pleasure as creation intended.
I love the work I do in guiding others to embody the same joy, ecstasy and peacefulness within their sexual body and expression.
One of the most important steps to move out of guilt, fear or judgment around sexual expression is to remember that you are a Divine being and you came into this physical primal body to have a physical primal experience. Primal expression is not separate from who we are as Spiritual beings, it is part of the tapestry.
When we indulge in orgasmic pleasure with self or another while fully plugged into our worthiness and owning the truth of who we are, then just as sexual orgasm transported us from the nonphysical realm into a physical body, it has the power to transport us while still in the physical body to having an outer body spiritual experience, and this also intensifies and empowers the orgasmic experience. I see sexual energy as the power cord that connects the two realms… the Divine and the physical.
Through patriarchal teachings and religions for thousands of years we were inflicted with guilt and fear around sex. It’s been ingrained in our society. Women were burnt at the stake in relation to this for years. Shame and judgment around sex has played a huge role in many religious teachings. When you think about it, what a clever way to control a society, by inflicting guilt and fear around the very energy that creates us and the very energy we cannot resist.
Thank goodness we live in a time now when we can shatter this illusion.
Our bodies were created magnificently. Our sexual energy, energy body, nervous system, breath and the spirit body were designed to work together in a way that creates sheer ecstasy, bliss, creative empowerment, deeper connection, higher intelligence and spiritual opening. We are designed this way or it would not be possible.
This is our Divine Design.
So Beloved, as you read this, what emotions have come up for you?
Do you still have contraction in your sexual body blocking you from experiencing all the beautiful pleasure that your magnificent body was designed to experience?
Do you feel a disconnect between your Spirit body and your Sexual body?
Do you sometimes feel your voice hold back when you desire to speak into asking for what you want?
In my personal experience, it is the breath that clears all the darkness we hold within us. It is the breath that liberates us into embracing the powerful truth of the Divine Design of our beautiful orgasmic bodies. It is the breath that merges our Spirit Body with our Sexual Body.
The breath is the vehicle holding our Spirit in our physical body. It is designed to work intricately with our nervous system, sexual energy, our primal force and our connection to the Divine realm. The breath is designed to move energy. The breath is designed to clean out the emotional residue of the darkness inside that holds us back and open us to more aliveness, pleasure, creativity, radiance and peacefulness.
This is why I adore the breath.
Jaitara is the Mother of Transformational Breath, helping others achieve ecstatic peacefulness and expression with self, relationships, sexual intimacy, purpose and death.